I found everything on Tinder except my dream date

Tinder was one of the first innovative apps to break out on the dating scene. The app boasts over 10 million matches, but there’s a dark side of Tinder one needs to swipe through to find their true love.

I have never used the app before, but curiosity killed the cat. I downloaded the app in hopes of coming across a few characters using the platform, and it wasn’t hard ー at all. There’s drug dealers, pets, struggling artists, babysitters looking for work, amongst other strange things on the app. If Craigslist, eHarmony, and a deck of cards had a baby, it would be Tinder.

The app isn’t explicitly for dating, so I guess the randomness shouldn’t have come as a surprise.

My first observation was that the app is riddled with people either looking for or selling drugs. In fact, almost everyone alluded to either smoking, 420, or selling drugs in their bio. But apparently, it’s an effective channel of distribution according to multiple Twitter users.

Aside from the stoners, the next group of users I came across most frequently were struggling artists. Promoting your craft on a dating app calls for an explanation, and I was determined to find the truth.

I eventually connected with an aspiring rapper and got his simple take on this business strategy. “Why not? My girlfriend told me it would be an easy way to get noticed,” he said. And when asked about how many followers he acquired from Tinder, he told me that he “has no clue.” A for effort I guess.

I swiped for five days and came across everything except my ideal soulmate. I wasn’t surprised, but these gems made my wild Tinder experience worthwhile:

Shrek himself, and Nicole, a dedicated Lord Farquaad cosplayer.

A watermelon.

Cletus the fetus.

John Lemon.

And last but not least, Dominique.

I’m happy to say I deleted Tinder right after I saw the statement, “One in a minion.”

Thanks Tinder, but I’ll find love elsewhere.