A eulogy for my ‘vintage’ MacBook Pro

“No, don’t listen to Apple. You’re not a ‘vintage’ MacBook Pro. You’re as beautiful as the day I met you. More so, even. Shhh.”

At this point, I gently close my laptop’s lid, turn off the lights, and exit the room with my head hung low.

My heart hurts as I’m typing this — unfortunately not actually on the laptop I’m talking about. Why? Because I’m officially the owner of a ‘vintage’ MacBook Pro.

Yes, Apple has just updated its vintage and obsolete products list and my model (a mid-2014 MacBook Pro) is on there.

If you don’t know what a vintage Apple product is, the company puts machines on a list five years after they stop selling. What this means is the devices are no longer guaranteed software or hardware updates. Repairs and patches are still possible of course, there’s just no promise they’ll happen.

Let’s say a prayer for my vintage MacBook Pro.

The worst part about this news is my laptop still works as well as it did the day I bought it. Hell, it’s even survived me accidentally spilling coffee over it last year. It’s fast, it’s powerful, and the keyboard is absolutely delicious. I even had the battery replaced about two years ago, so it doesn’t run out of juice quickly.

If there is a downside with my MacBook (which there really isn’t), it’s the screen. Compared to my work laptop (the new 16-inc MacBook pro), the display isn’t as sharp. Thing is, I don’t notice this within minutes of picking up my beloved personal machine.

So, listen here, Apple. It isn’t a ‘vintage’ MacBook Pro, it’s modern and still works. How dare you. How dare you.

You’d think that things couldn’t get worse — but they can. And will. In two years time.

While my ‘vintage’ MacBook Pro could still technically receive software updates and get repairs for a while, this stops after 24-months. My vintage MacBook Pro becomes — take a deep breath — obsolete.

What this means is that there’ll be no more support for my beloved computer. No repairs, no software updates, it’s just me and it out in the cold, howling at the moon and huddling for warmth.

I can’t say I blame Apple too much — seven years is a long time to own a laptop — but this doesn’t mean it hurts less. Effectively, my peerless laptop has been issued a death warrant. It’ll still work in two years time, but its days are numbered.

All we can do is spend these next two years living every moment together to the fullest; hanging out and cracking wise, just living the life we were meant to lead. You’ll never just be a vintage MacBook Pro to me, you’ll always be my MacBook Pro.

Now excuse me, I need to go get a pillow.

“Shh, it’s okay, this will only hurt for a second.”