Who gives a good goddamn about new MacBook Pros or the AirPods 3? I’ll tell you who: losers. Because there was only one product worth our attention launched at Apple’s October event. And that, friends, is a motherfucking cleaning cloth.
Shh, don’t get annoyed. I understand you. I know how you live. And that means you’re currently reading these words on a screen smeared with a thick layer of grime. There’s no need to be ashamed — it’s normal. It’s totally normal. Don’t be ashamed.
But in another, more real sense, be very ashamed. You’re a dirty, dirty little gremlin.
Don’t worry though, Apple still loves you despite your faults. That’s why you can now buy a cleaning cloth on its website for the very low and very reasonable price of $19.
This will be familiar to long time Apple users, as many will have received something like this with their purchases in the past.
That was a mistake.
If you’ve ever bought an Apple product and got a polishing cloth with it, you now owe Apple $19 per bit of fabric. Failure to reimburse the company will result in your kidneys being harvested.
Apple does the right thing, not the easy thing
On one hand, you could call charging almost $20 for a piece of fabric you can buy elsewhere for a fraction of the price plain old profiteering. On the other, what are you? Some sorta dirty commie or something? What you’re seeing is capitalism in beautiful motion.
In fact, I think Apple could do more to keep the wheels of the marketing economy crushing the bones of the poor.
Know those stickers that come with Apple products? Let’s stop that practice immediately. You can sell those things for at least $10. While we’re at it, how about we dispose of those “health and safety” booklets? If you wanna be danger free, you’ve gotta pay.
If the company really wants to up the ante though, I know how to complement the Apple Polishing Cloth properly: screen cleaner. But not just any screen cleaner.
How about Apple gets some of those brainy engineers and scientists to create a display that can only be cleaned with a very specific liquid. Anything else, be that water or alcohol, destroys it entirely.
It’d produce what non-economists like myself would call “double trouble.” With it, the company not only makes money from selling the cleaning fluid, but also rakes it in with screen repairs.
Yes, I think we can all agree that the problem with the Apple cleaning cloth is it just doesn’t go far enough. Thankfully, there’s still time.
Get the TNW newsletter
Get the most important tech news in your inbox each week.