Is Mario Golf or ‘real’ golf better? We solved it with MATH

I’ve spent the past couple of weeks playing the brand new Mario Golf: Super Rush on the Nintendo Switch. And you know what? It’s fantastic.

Ever since I completed the Tony Hawk’s remaster, I’ve been looking for an arcade-style sports game to wile away many happy hours on — and the new Mario Golf is just that.

But… there’s a hitch. It’s Summer. COVID restrictions are being lifted across the globe. And I’m being pressured to go outside.

Because I’m a weak, pathetic man, I’m unable to simply say “look, I just want to stay indoors and play Mario Golf: Super Rush,” I need something to back this decision up. Luckily, I have the ancient art of mathematics by my side.

So, in this piece, I’m going to prove with numbers that playing Mario Golf is better than going outside to play real golf. You are most welcome.

Why ‘Mario Golf: Super Rush’ makes more financial sense than playing actual golf

First, we need a benchmark. Mario Golf: Super Rush costs $59.99.

I live in Amsterdam, so I’m going to use figures from around here. The cheapest day pass for a game of golf at the Amsterdam Old Course is €52.50, or $62.70. Already, Mario Golf is better value.

But let’s say I want to play once a week for a year? Well, that’s gonna set me back $3,260.40.

What about clubs though? Well, I can rent a set for $17.92 (€15) a visit, which’ll work out at $931.84 over a year. Or I found I can get a nice looking set from Wilson for $477.74 (€400).

The latter is the cheaper option, so let’s go with that.

You might think we’re done — but you’d be wrong. Unlike Mario Golf, you have to dress like a fucking nerd when you play real golf.

Because we’re not made of time, I went back to Decathlon to put together a cheap golf outfit. A hat ($17.92), a shirt ($29.85), a bodywarmer ($47.77), golf shoes ($83.59), and a pair of trousers ($29.85) come to be $208.98.

I could include other costs in here, such as food or travel, but that seems unfair. I’ll undoubtedly spend a chunk of cash buying snacks and going to the coffeeshop in advance of Mario Golf: Super Rush sessions. Let’s just call it equal.

What we’ve ended up with is that playing “real” golf will cost about $3,947.12. This makes it 65.8 times more expensive than playing Mario Golf: Super Rush. And I severely doubt it’s 65.8 times more fun.

Thanks for solving that, maths.

What about the hidden benefits of playing real golf?

I hear you: golf is about more than just money. What about the mental health benefits (+1)? Meeting people (+1)? The gentle exercise (+1)? The immersion in nature (+1)?

THAT’S FOUR WHOLE POINTS.

Mario Golf: Super Rush can compete with that too. Video games can be good for your brain (+1). The Mario Golf title has a multiplayer mode (+1). And you can use motion controls if you’d like to get the blood pumping (+1).

The only thing that’s harder to simulate is the immersion in nature, but there’s a big tree right outside my window, so I think I’ve got that covered (+1).

That’s four points each: we’re tied. But let’s reverse things a little here. Who do you picture when I say Mario Golf?

It’s Mario, right? With a golf club. That, friends, is a happy picture (+1). But if I ask you to picture someone playing real golf, who comes to mind?

It’s Donald Trump. You’re currently picturing Donald Trump playing golf (-1,000,000,000). No one needs that.

So for this section, we have Mario Golf with a total of five points. And real golf with MINUS nine million, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-six.

I think we can all agree that, with both math and rhetoric, I have proved beyond a doubt that Mario Golf is better than regular golf. Yeah, you could say that comparing a sport to its video game counterpart is childish and pointless, but maybe you’re childish and pointless.

Anyway, there’s the Mario Golf: Super Rush review every other publication in the world is too cowardly to give you. Do with this information what you will.

(P.S. Mario Golf: Super Rush is out on the 25th June and if you like the words “Mario” and “Golf” together you’ll probably dig it).